Faster Than the Speed of Brian's Novel Published
by Great Pyrenees
Summary: Stewie alters Brian's story to a better version. Brian does not know and mails the manuscript. Will Brian be an instant bestseller or come clean- that he didn't write the brilliant work?


DISCLAIMER: If I had owned fam guy, would I be writing fanfics now?

TV: Now back to: Sex and the City.

Carrie's voice: So the ladies and I went on a dinner, to gossip eagerly about our promiscuity. The stories were hard to keep up with, because all of us changed guys like clothes. They were a temporary thing.

(In a fancy restaurant during daytime, there are round tables, all covered in white sheets. The table on the center of the camera's focus is being seated by Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

Carrie: And it was so good.

(Other people around the table frowns at them)

Samantha: I know it must have been... How big?

(People around them squint in abhorrence)

A waiter comes with a big salt shaker and sprays pepper on the plates. Carrie eyes the pepper shaker meaningfully.

(One guy in the background goes to the bathroom, mouth covered)

Waiter goes away.

Miranda: So exactly how was it?

Carrie: Everything you can ask in lovemaking. Pain, orgasm, and the hyper feeling. It was exotic.

(people around them start vomiting. They try to hurry to bathroom, but some go and some fall, vomiting dirty green all over.

"God, these things can get really graphic."

It seems today,

That all you see,

Is violence in movies and sex on TV,

But where are those good old-fashioned values,

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy!

Lucky there's a man who

Positively can do

All the thing that make us

Laugh and cry!

He's...

A...

Family...

Gu-u-u-u-u-u-y!

In the kitchen, Stewie was alone, and he had Brian's laptop. "Oh-ho-ho, since shy old Brian isn't showing his work, a fellow and sane critic might want to spy on his piece!" Stewie read the manuscript. "Hmm, too many flaws... And definitely hackneyed, in a very, clearly, incandescently visible way, too. Might want to revise. I'll write an alternate ending to this. God, the 1st person narrative is as boring, off-putting, and insignificant as that Twilight saga!"

- - - - - -Cutaway gag

(Shows Bella sitting on a wooden chair, looking out at the forest of Forks through her little window.)

Bella's thoughts: I was sure Edward was a vampire. And I wanted him to make me one of his party, but simultaneously, I was confused with my friendship with Jacob Black. If I became a vampire, I could ditch the possibility of not ever seeing Renee or Charlie again... Oh, who cares about a teen's incoherent mumblings anyway. Better stop bitch&moanin'.

"Finished! Now the ugly title has to be misplaced. "Faster than the Speed of Love"? Are you bloody joking? How about, "Faster than the speed of mass destruction of an atomic bomb of WWII"? A little long, but conveys message clearly. That should do!" Stewie said, satisfactorily.

"Delicious! This will be a better success than my attempt at becoming a model!"

- - - - Cutaway Gag

Tyra: I like her. (Looking at photos of wigged, make-up-ed, and dressed up Stewie)

Tyra: (to Stewie) Now, let's take you to a stylist. All America's Next Top Models get a makeover.

Stylist: Like your hair! (Touches it a little and the wig falls)

Tyra: You're a guy?

Stewie: (hopping off the chair, all mad and tears in eyes) I'm a baby! Look, I was gonna be a big model, and all! (Runs away.)

"Look Lois, I got my book done, and I'm getting it into Little Brown company!" Brian said. "My full, fresh manuscript!"

"You mean, that... Faster than the Speed of... Love?" Lois fell from the couch laughing maniacally. "But... It's a total plagiarism!"

Lois came back to Earth and asked, "Why Little Brown?"

"Well, I write sort of like Stephenie Meyer, you know. If they accept her tasteless, uselessy long, boring first person narrative, then why won't hey accept mine?"

"Oh, publisher isn't important, Brian. You made a timeless classic about a war hero. Any sane man or woman would trade his or her soul for _your_ work, Brian." Stewie said, smirking.

"Well, I'm mailing the manuscript!" Brian said as he left.

"If all goes well, I- or Brian, in literal sense, would be a New York Times bestseller, and I can live a high quality life, like J.K. Rowling!"

- - - - Cutaway Gag- - -

Rowling's husband: I can't take it anymore!

Rowling: What?

Husband: I make about the amount of money each year that would be an equivalent amount to your dotting the i's in "Hermione"! I am a man! The alpha! I have pride, you know! I'm filing divorce!

Rowling: So by your logic, a poor single mother couldn't write a tale about an orphan that went to a magic school?

To be continued...


End file.
